I HAD TO
by damagedmailbox
Summary: AFTERMATH OF REMUS'S TRANSFORMATION IN PRISONER OF AZKABAN


Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. I'm only playing with her toys.

**_I had to_**

My whole body screamed with pain.

It had not hurt like this in a really long time. It took me a couple of minutes to realise where I was and what had happened. I was lying on the hard floor of the forbidden forest. It was unnaturally cold.

Every thing that happened last night came flashing back to me. I felt a terrible pang of pain in my chest. I could not understand if it was the guilt or was it because I got hurt last night. The last thing I remember is the horror in Hermione's voice as she screamed Harry's name and we all turned to look where she pointed; the moon, in her perfect grandeure, was rising from the horizon.

That's the last thing I remember. After that everything went red.

I could feel my bones breaking. I was transforming. The wolf was desperate to come out freely on the land. Since the beginning of the Hogwarts year I had been keeping it intoxicated. It did not like me controlling him. He was desperate for a night like this, to come out in full glory. Once again proving to me how exactly powerful it was and how exactly weak I am.

It loved putting me down.

I do not know what had happened after I transformed. I do not remember what the wolf made me do. I do not know if I had hurt anyone, bitten anyone or killed...

I could feel the cool wind touching my naked body. Of course , the wolf had torn my clothes apart. I did not know what to do or how long I lay there. All I knew was that I wanted to die. I heard footsteps through the rustling of leaves. I wanted to raise my head to see who it was but the pain and cold made it impossible.

I heard someone whisper, a woman, Minerva perhaps, 'Is he alright?', she questioned with a tone of worry.

'He will be', another voice said

My mind was awake but I could not open my eyes. I did not want to. I only wished that I were dead. The pain was too much and eveyrthing became eerily quiet and cold.

Maybe death was finally coming.

* * *

I heard the sound of a quill scratching against parchment. It was warmer around. I felt something fluffy covering my body, a blanket perhaps...

I touched my body. I was wearing clothes now. I opened my eyes, everything was blurry. When my vision cleared I realised I was in the infirmiry.

I could see the dim light outside the window, the sun was beginning to rise after a long spell of darkness.

I turned my head to see a red-headed figure snoring lightly.

'Ron', I whispered.

I turned my head to the other side, two more figures were sleeping soundly; a girl with bushy brown hair and a raven haired boy, both fast asleep or so it seemed.

'Harry! Hermione!', I said and tried to get up to take a look. Did I hurt them last night?

I felt an arm on my shoulder, ' Remus!', Madame Pomfrey said in a soft voice, ' Son, please don't try to get up, you need rest. Lay down quietly.'

'But what happened? Did I hurt them?', I asked my throat getting tight.

' No, you did not hurt them but you had a pretty harsh night in the Forbidden Forest. The creatures weren't kind to you', she said wistfully.

It doesn't matter. I had spent all those years all by myself. I had been hurt and gotten over with it. I was used to all the pain and bandages.

I was worried if I should ask her or not, 'Madame Pomfrey..?', I began when Professor Dumbledore entered the Infirmry.

'Poppy could you kindly leave me alone with Mr. Lupin?', he said soft but firm.

' He needs rest, Dumbledore', she replied, her voice stern.

' I agree to that Poppy but he needs to know what happened last night', with that she walked out of the infirmiry.

I turned my head towards him as he sat on my bedside.

'What did I do?', I said tears prickling my eyes

'Nothing happened. You didn't do anything but Peter escaped when you lost control and Sirius was forced to flee...'. He went on to tell me everything of what happened last night, about Severus's revelation as well.

I felt my throat getting tighter and my chest heaved.

'It was not your fault', he said and got up to leave but I knew better than to believe that. It was all my fault. If I had not transformed, none of this would have happened. Sirius would have been a free man and Peter would have paid for his crimes. Only if i was not a...

'Professor!', I called after him. He turned to look at me.

I looked into his kind eyes and said 'I resign!'

'I need to go, I can't face everyone like this. I'll leave today.' He kept looking at me, his face clouded with worry and then softly said 'Whatever you want Remus,' and left.

I looked at the clock on the wall and it showed the time to be thirty five minutes past five. I tried to get up but Madame Pomfrey tried to restrain me. I resisted and got up to leave. I could have no more. I had to leave.

* * *

I felt weak but I kept packing . I'll leave by 9 o'clock, I'll decided. I reached up to my desk to get the books and I saw a dot labelled 'Harry Potter' on the Marauder's Map walking towards my office. I smiled as I got ready to say ' Goodbye' to him.

For now.


End file.
